It seriously has been a super frustrating and irritating and not to mention F**ked up hell of a week.
Haven't been blogging much and now that I am, I'll be going on and on like a crazy bitch so this post might be a very long one.
I haven't gone to school for like the past 3 weeks.
And its seriously not my freaking fault that I can't go.
I didn't go cause there wasn't enough money for transport to school.
Just for one day, the transport fees is like $4 to $5.
To and from school.
And not to mention lunch money.
The cafeteria in school is like a loan shark i swear.
just for a plate of rice and 2 side dishes, it set me back $6.
WHAT THE FREAKING HELL???!!!
That's like extortion.
I bet this is illegal in at least 4 countries in the world.
I mean SERIOUSLY!!!
just cause the students that goes to the school are kids of foreign expatriates, that doesn't mean that all of us can afford to pay for the freaking exorbitant prices that you're charging.
Back to the topic on me not attending school, at least the school did not cancel my student's pass even though I got my second warning letter.
And for that I am really grateful for giving me another chance to continue on in the school.
I won't disappoint the school even though I only have like 2 weeks to complete 6 modules.
But no fret, I'll do it cause I know there is someone in the school who appreciates my presence and is grateful that I even enrolled in the course.
And so, I will try my best to not disappoint you and the school.
The other thing that has been bugging me is my own family.
How on Earth can a daughter mistreat her mother??
I am so disappointed in you sister...
It may not be in words but you yourself very well know that actions speak louder than words.
Don't forget that you were one who wanted to bring mom to live with you in LA and yet you're treating her like this?!
How could you??
Do you know how many times she called me and crying telling me the things that has been going on over in LA.
Did you know how heartbroken I was??
I couldn't sleep for days after that.
Seriously, please tell bro-in-law to watch his actions and words or else he is gonna get it from me.
I promise you that.
But no matter what, I am really grateful to you for paying my school fees and what-not and I am thankful for that, but please do not take it out on mom if you're not happy with me or anyone else.
If you need anyone to talk to or anything you know that you can call me or facebook me.
Whatever it is, I'll be here for you like how you were there for you.
Please just be good to mom cause she is like my life and if she dies and god forbid that she does, I swear I wouldn't know what to do with my life anymore.
My heart literally fell stopped beating when I heard that she was hurt in a hit-and-run.
I welcomed sleepless nights days after that just so that I could talk on the pone with her for almost 5 hours at least everyday.
She might not be my real mom but it doesn't matter.
Halus Siti Rachmaniah is the one and only mother that I have and will ever have.
I never got around to saying this when she was in Singapore but, I Love You Mom.
Though you always beat and punish me when I was younger, I know that you did it for my own good and just how you always say it, "saya marahin kamu kerana saya sayang kamu, tapi kalo mummy udah nggak sayang kamu, mummy udah nggak peduli."
What it means is, "I scold you because I love you, but if I don't scold you anymore, means that I don't care about you."
I still remember the times when after she beat me, she would wake up in the middle of the night to pray and after she's done praying, she would apply ointment on the parts that she beat and slowly massage it.
Only after she's satisfied that I'm not hurting anymore would she then go back to sleep.
On school days she would wake up early to prepare my lunch box.
The food was simple and nice and yet these are the little things that I've always overlooked back then.
Now that she's gone, I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night when I felt as if someone was massaging me.
No, I have never told anyone this but I really want to be selfish and hope that she comes back to Singapore and just live with me.
I hope that she can live to a ripe old age of 100 years old and take care of my kids too.
But if that doesn't happen,I will make sure to tell them stories of a wonderful lady who was not only a mother, father, sister, guide,mentor, teacher and friend.
She was someone who bought joy and laughter, music and dance to countless people who has crossed her path throughout her lifetime.
she was the on who had raised me and made me who I am today.
Thank you Mom for your love and support.
I love you.
So please take care of your health and I promise that you would live a good life soon.
I promise you that.
And lastly is my dream.
All my life i've been overshadowed by a lot of people.
Friends, family, classmates, cousins, strangers.
You name it.
I've been overshadowed and invisible that now, in my heart I have this burning desire to shine.
To stand out in a crowd not as Siti Dzulhirianah Syamsariah, but as the new and improved Rianah Syamsariah.
I want to make it big and make the people who once dissed me and looked down on me just cause I was fat and poor, pay for what they've said and done to me.
Yes, they've broken my spirit.
Yes they've physically hurt me.
They've turned me into a puppet.
Someone who made me come to them as and when they want to.
But no more.
I am ready to begin this journey and change everything that I was and be the person that I am supposed to be.
I will go through anything just to get to that place but sadly, there is still something that is holding me back.
And as always, its money.
It is always that dreaded word that would never fail to bring me down whenever I am feeling just a little bit positive.
Because without it, we can't survive in this world.
None of us can, not you, not me and not even the poorest person in the world can.
Even the late Gandhi couldn't do it.
He still needs money to feed himself,he still needs money to do the charity work that he does.
And Mother Theresa too.
It sucks to be poor.
Your dreams will always be put on hold just to work and scrape through everyday life.
But thing is, I am SO willing to do anything to attain my dream.
I've never wanted anything so bad in my life before that I get like a total adrenaline rush just from thinking about it.
You might be wondering what this dream is and after I tell you might be thinking that I am silly for wanting it.
But hey, its my life and in this life, I want to be a singer.
Not only a singer, I want to be a dancer.
An entertainer who brings tears and laughter, sadness and happiness to my audience.
I came from a family who has always been musically inclined.
I dare say that everyone in my family can sing.
My mom plays the piano, guitar, organ and she also dances (traditional dance that is).
the major instruments in the family is guitar and piano but for the younger generation, our major instruments are our voices.
I remembered one time, my brother told me that the night before i sang the who Westlife song, My Love in my sleep.
Haha.. =D
And yet, again I am the only untalented one in the family.
I did dance a bit but that was it.
Ouh, did I tell you that I was also the ugly one in the family?
I was in choir for bout 2 years back in secondary school and after that I quit.
Now that I think of it, it was my mom who made me quit choir.
But why??
But anyways, whatever it was, music has played a MAJOR part in my life.
It consoled me in my times of sadness.
It made me crazy in my times of hyper-ness.
It made laugh and feel carefree in my times of happiness.
It accompanied me during the times of my loneliness.
It has always been there for me when no one was.
People come and go.
Weathers change.
The earth changes and people change.
Even the effing climate changes.
But music,it stood by me the whole time and it actually filled a void that I never knew existed.
And so now, I really want to become a singer, but I don't know where to start cause I don't have the funds to start training.
I can read a bit of sheet music but thats it.
I hope that someone out there who is reading this is willing to give me a chance to prove myself and be my sponsor.
And I can promise that you will never regret it.
Not even a tiny water drop worth of regret.
Cause I will work my ass off and make a name in the industry and prove to everyone else that I can do it and no one can bring me down.
On that note, I'll end it here and hopefully my next blog post will be of a more cheerful topic.
Ciao my reader/loveliex...
Love you guys and thank you so much for putting up with this super super long piece of work...
Peace...
God Bless...
Ps: Dear God,
If you're reading this, please make my wish and dream come true. You won't regret it, I promise. =D
Love,
Rie Syamsariah
Labels: dream, Family, mother, music, thoughts
Today, I found out fro a stranger that my sister,Okti, was hospitalized.Key word there is stranger.
Okti, my 16 year-old sister was hospitalized.
And she's alone in Jakarta and...
Oh my god..
I can't even comprehend the fact that MY sister was hospitalized and I wasn't fucking INFORMED!!
WHAT THE HELL??!!!
Do you have any idea how afraid I am when I heard that piece of news?
I FUCKING STARTED TO CRY ON THE SPOT DAMMIT!!!
Why??
Why didn't you tell me??
Who am I to you??
Do you not treat me as family anymore??
You know I don't care if you don't want to acknowledge me as your daughter, but this...
This you have to tell me.
There is no "but's" or "maybe's" only "have to's".
My sister dammit...
My sister..
If she dies..
What??
Am I going to be the last person to know too??
I was so stupid and complacent to the fact that yes, I know that you can change..
But no...
You will NEVER change..
The question here is "Why?"
Change is not that difficult is it?
I went through a lot of changes.
And let me tell you, those changes are significant and has made me who I am today.
I don't regret going through the hardships that Allah (s.w.t) has put me through.
But what I regret is that one day, the day in which for the very first time after a really long lecture , you hugged me.
I regretted not asking you then and there who my father is.
I've forgotten what that lecture was about, but I do remember this, it was the very first time you hugged me, it was a good feeling cause I know at that point of time someone is looking out for me, but now...
I'm lost...
Have you ever thought back to that day?
Don't you wonder what the future is like if you did acknowledge me as your daughter?
What would the future be like if I had known who my father is?
Would I be the person that I am now?
Or would I be totally different with a totally,completely polar opposite personality?
There are a hundred,thousand questions that I want to ask you, but maybe now is not the time.
Maybe one day, one day, after you have opened up your heart to me and ready to acknowledge that you are my mother will then I know what to ask...
Until then,
I will always await for that day to come...
Labels: Family, fear
I've been thinking a lot lately.My thoughts kept bringing me back to the day when I was still young and innocent.
Back to the days when life was still simple and easy.
My heart keeps telling me to go on and never give up.
That the days ahead will be brighter, filled with all seven colours of the rainbow, and an eighth un-named majestic colour.
I have been waiting,waiting and waiting but it never did.
The day never came.
"Why??"
Thats the question I kept asking to myself.
Am I just not good enough for this everyone?? For this world? For my past? For my future?
What was it that I did to make you hate me so much?
The way I look? The way I talk? The way i walk? The way I..??
WHAT??!!!
ANSWER ME!!!
I'VE FUCKING HAD ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
THIS HURTS..
IT ALL HURTS..
I just want to give up now...
But..
If I do give up now, I won't ever be able to achieve my hopes and dreams, mum's dream, Kakak Adhe's dream, Kakak Rini's dream and Tosan's dream of ever seeing me successful and doing things that might bring a smile to everyone's faces.
But...
It seems that there are more people who wants to see me fail;
Aunty Sidah, Aunty Mahani, Fifi, Zaza, Razak and to a certain extent Atuk;
too much more than what I would expect.
So how do I go on now?
Despite the loud,booming,irritating laughter that is always associated with me, behind closed doors, I am an introverted girl who is still looking for her place in this big,ugly, cruel world.
The heart beating inside of me, the heart that is giving me what I need to survive is slowing down day by day, burdened by the poisonous words, and vicious actions that people are inflicting upon me and my loved ones.
Someone..
Anyone..
Please help me and tell me what I should do...
Please...
Labels: dream, failure, Family, fear, heartbreak.friends, mother
