14 June 2010 11.47 pm WIB
By now, I think everyone would’ve known about my decision. My decision to give up. Give up what, you may ask. It’s giving up my dream. My dream of becoming a singer, a dancer, an entertainer.
I have no idea why I am giving up either but; I think it’s for the sake of my family. I mean, COME ON‼ Who would want to take in a person like me?? No one‼ True, I might sound like a failure and loser right now and honestly I do think I am one. I really don’t know what to do and think anymore. Deep down inside me, my gut tells me to just keep dreaming the dream. Never give up hope die and keep practicing. For people who know me, yes they were shocked, surprised and frankly, quite unhappy with my decision. I can’t blame them. They’ve been there for me since god knows when (trust me when I say that it’s a long time) and now I went ahead and told them that I’m giving up. What kind of self-respecting young adult would do that anyway?? I know the answer to that. Me. I would do that. It’s not that I intend to nor am I purposefully doing it but I’m just trying to get real. It’s not I have that so called hidden talent. I’m not pretty, nor do I have the charisma or whatever it is that makes those stars succeed.
Thing is, I keep asking myself, did I make the right decision? Was the decision made too sudden? Cause honestly speaking, I have not really done much to tell myself that I am not good enough and should just give up now. There are a lot of examples that I can take from out there, but seriously, what’s the point anyway?? Right now, as I’m typing this out, my conscience, instincts and gut feeling keeps saying that I have made a too hasty decision. That I should have talked thing out with someone that I trust first before coming to a final conclusion. After all, I’m talking about my future here. Not just my future, but also of my family and the people that depend on me. Truth is, I need someone to talk to but don’t know who. I stopped talking to probably the only person that ever cared for me over a month ago. Why?? I don’t know, but that is a whole another story. Stupid, huh?? Yeah, that’s me. Stupid, idiotic, foolish, dumb, those are only some and many more adjectives that can be used to describe what I did, or did not do for that matter.
So now, here I am. Stuck. Stuck and clueless as to how to carry on with life. As you probably know, my life was never a bed of roses or as easy and relaxing as taking a stroll along the beach. My life has been a riot of colours and emotions. And a majority of it was bleak, dull, glum and depressing. But that was before I met the 3 important people in my life. And they are all girls. They are the sisters that I wish I had. And I am damn well glad that I have the opportunity to meet such precious people. They stood by me, cared, encouraged and critiqued me. And lastly, they loved me for who I am. What sisters usually do for each other, they did it for me. The whole nine yards. And they were the ones that I disappointed. Pathetic, huh??
Oh well, what’s done is done, but I think I’m going to rethink my whole decision again tonight. And I hope there is a favorable outcome to this whole internal battle/dilemma that’s going on inside my head and heart. Until then, I bid you adieu.
Good night.
(Signing off 15 June 2010, 1.00 am WIB)
Labels: thoughts
