Today, I found out fro a stranger that my sister,Okti, was hospitalized.Key word there is stranger.
Okti, my 16 year-old sister was hospitalized.
And she's alone in Jakarta and...
Oh my god..
I can't even comprehend the fact that MY sister was hospitalized and I wasn't fucking INFORMED!!
WHAT THE HELL??!!!
Do you have any idea how afraid I am when I heard that piece of news?
I FUCKING STARTED TO CRY ON THE SPOT DAMMIT!!!
Why??
Why didn't you tell me??
Who am I to you??
Do you not treat me as family anymore??
You know I don't care if you don't want to acknowledge me as your daughter, but this...
This you have to tell me.
There is no "but's" or "maybe's" only "have to's".
My sister dammit...
My sister..
If she dies..
What??
Am I going to be the last person to know too??
I was so stupid and complacent to the fact that yes, I know that you can change..
But no...
You will NEVER change..
The question here is "Why?"
Change is not that difficult is it?
I went through a lot of changes.
And let me tell you, those changes are significant and has made me who I am today.
I don't regret going through the hardships that Allah (s.w.t) has put me through.
But what I regret is that one day, the day in which for the very first time after a really long lecture , you hugged me.
I regretted not asking you then and there who my father is.
I've forgotten what that lecture was about, but I do remember this, it was the very first time you hugged me, it was a good feeling cause I know at that point of time someone is looking out for me, but now...
I'm lost...
Have you ever thought back to that day?
Don't you wonder what the future is like if you did acknowledge me as your daughter?
What would the future be like if I had known who my father is?
Would I be the person that I am now?
Or would I be totally different with a totally,completely polar opposite personality?
There are a hundred,thousand questions that I want to ask you, but maybe now is not the time.
Maybe one day, one day, after you have opened up your heart to me and ready to acknowledge that you are my mother will then I know what to ask...
Until then,
I will always await for that day to come...
Labels: Family, fear
